Unanswered Prayers
by Orange Bulldog
Summary: A bit of a backstory for Tara. We know she's been out longer than Willow so this explains how that happened. Please read and review!
1. Class project

Disclaimers:

These are obviously not my characters, I'm just borrowing them from Joss Whedon and anyone else who owns them.

If you have issues with people of the same sex loving each other, or live someplace where that's illegal (in which case, consider moving) please move on.

Tara Maclay walked through the halls of a large high school. It was nearing the end of the school year, and she was one of the only people in school unhappy about this fact. Though she had no real friends in school, at least it kept her busy. During the summer she'd have nothing to do but sit at her house. Her mother had just finished a course of chemotherapy for the breast cancer that had been diagnosed last fall. The doctors said she'd gone into remission, but she was having a hard time with the emotional aspect, and so the woman who'd once been close to her only daughter had been pushing her away lately.

She sat down in her US History class, in her traditional seat in the back.

"I know you are all ready for school to be over, but in an effort to make the last few weeks interesting, we're going to do a project in pairs that will count for half of your final exam."

Tara cringed. Group projects were her least favorite part of school. People were already starting to look around the room for partners, but the teacher put a stop to that.

"I've assigned you partners and projects, listed on this paper. Come find your partner and we'll head to the library in a few minutes to start some preliminary research." She posted a paper up on the blackboard.

By the time Tara got up to the board, most people were paired off. She looked up her name and found it listed with Amanda Brooks. Well, it could have been worse. Amanda was in the popular crowd, but she seemed to be relatively intelligent. She looked around and identified her partner, who apparently had no idea who she was.

"Amanda?"

"Oh! Tara?"

Tara nodded.

"So I guess our topic is the space race, huh. That's pretty cool."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

US History was one of the few classes in which the teacher was actually attempting to wring work out of the students, and consequently they had plenty of time to spend on the project. A couple Saturdays later, Amanda and Tara were in Amanda's room, working on a timeline of Russian space flights when the brunette got a phone call. Tara tried to focus on the work and not appear to be eavesdropping.

Amanda hung up the phone. "That was Christy, we're going to go see the new Will Smith movie tonight."

Tara nodded politely.

"Do you, um, want to come with us?"

Tara peered up from beneath a curtain of hair. "M-me?"

"Sure, why not?"

"You d-don't have to invite me b-because I was here when she called." She pointed out.

"I'm not! I like hanging out with you."

Her heart skipped a beat. She liked hanging out with Amanda too – possibly more than she wanted to admit to herself. She was sad when their study sessions ended, and she found herself thinking about the girl for no reason throughout the day. Sometimes they'd walk past each other in the hall, and Amanda would smile or say hello. It didn't bother her so much that she had a crush on a girl, but Amanda was popular, and she was…just Tara.

So a few hours later, Tara found herself sitting in a movie theater, at the end of a row of popular girls, next to Amanda. The other girls had given Amanda some strange looks when she'd shown up with Tara in tow, but they hadn't actually said anything outright mean to either of them.

Tara rested her elbows on the armrests and settled in to enjoy the show. A few minutes later, she felt a warmth on her right elbow as Amanda's left positioned itself next to hers. The entire rest of the movie she was distracted, wondering if Amanda would move it, wondering if it was accidental or if she wanted to be in contact with Tara. She shifted a few times, but never in such a way to disrupt the contact. She wasn't complaining, but it was certainly confusing.


	2. The prom

Tara spent most of the next week replaying the movie experience in her head. It would pop in for no apparent reason sometimes, or other times for very obvious reasons when Amanda was around. The other girl would touch her arm, or her hand, for emphasis on something she was saying, and the feelings would come flooding back.

"Hey so we're still on for Sunday, right? Last touches on the paper and slides?" Amanda said, coming up to Tara at her locker Friday after school. "I still can't believe you aren't coming to the prom." The prom was Saturday night. Amanda was going with Steve Cabrall, one of the star soccer players on the varsity team. She played for the girls team, so they knew each other through the sport.

Tara shrugged. "I don't d-dance, and my father doesn't ap-prove anyway."

"Still, it would be more fun with you there."

They stood in silence for a moment, before finally Amanda said "Okay well, um, I'll see you Sunday then."

Tara nodded. "Have fun at the prom."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tara was just about to turn off her bedroom light on Saturday when she saw a face in her window. Luckily she managed to suppress the urge to scream as she recognized her friend.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, opening the window.

Amanda shrugged. "I wanted to see you. Can I come in? Oh, you were going to bed. I guess it is kinda late."

"No, no problem. Um, aren't you supposed to be at the prom?"

Amanda rolled her eyes. "We all left early, and went back to Becca's house, we were supposed to have an after-party there. Her parents are cool so they didn't care if we drank, or apparently if people were doing it either."

Tara's eyes went a bit wide.

"Yeah. So it wasn't much of a party, we all had a couple drinks and people started disappearing off to places to get it on. Then Steve leans over and tells me not to worry, that he brought protection, and gives me this wink. I was like uh, we are not doing it tonight. He gets all upset. I know lots of people lose it on prom night, but hello, it's not like we are dating or anything. We haven't even kissed!"

Tara nodded. She was glad that story hadn't gone where she was afraid it was going.

"So he left, I don't know, maybe he went off to find someone who would do it with him. The party was lame, and I decided I'd rather hang out with you." She grinned and put her hand on Tara's knee. The blonde girl swallowed.

"Oh. Okay."

"I really like hanging out with you."

Tara let her hair fall in her face. "I like it too."

Amanda leaned closer and tried to tuck her hair behind her ears. "Why do you do that? You are so pretty, why do you hide?"

"You think I'm p-pretty?" She looked into the other girl's eyes, now only a foot away from her own.

Amanda nodded. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

"You're beautiful." The words slipped out before she could help herself. Apparently they were the right ones, she thought to herself as she suddenly felt warm lips covering her own and experienced her first kiss. Unfortunately, if was over before she could really process what was happening.

"I was thinking about you at the prom." Amanda confessed.

"Really?"

"Uh huh. I was dancing with Steve and I kept thinking about you. Do you think about me?"

Tara nodded. "I think about you a lot." She said, blushing.

"Can I kiss you again?"

She nodded, and moved to meet Amanda halfway.


	3. Coming out

Tara found herself leaving school on the last day of class feeling a lot better about the summer than she had a few weeks ago. Instead of a summer of sitting alone in her house, she and Amanda had plans. The popular girl had a job at the Dairy Queen, and to her surprise, Tara's dad had actually seemed pleased when she asked to get one too. Her mom had been distant as was usual lately. Tara was wondering when the right time to tell her mother about Amanda would be. She was certain she would be supportive, though telling her father did not cross her mind.

The first two months of summer flew by. Tara enjoyed having some money and not having to ask her father for any. She liked going to the grocery store and buying food with her own money. Donny grumbled at her to stop showing him up – he had a job working on a farm, but he used most of his earnings for himself and rarely helped support the family. Now that she was, her father started asking him why he didn't help out more. She and Amanda tried to get on the same shifts and spent their off time together too, going to movies, swimming at the community pool, and of course, making out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I have plans, okay?"

Tara heard the rather annoyed voice of her girlfriend coming from the open back door of the Dairy Queen.

"Let me guess, with _Tara_?"

That sounded like Jodi Spinner, another popular girl and one of Amanda's best friends. They still hadn't really warmed to her, so Amanda was seeing less and less of her other friends. Tara sort of felt badly about that, but Amanda promised her she didn't care.

"YES with Tara. Get off my back. I didn't complain last spring when we barely saw you because you were with Jim so much."

"Uh, hello, we were dating, and anyway he wasn't a loser like her."  
"She isn't a loser, and anyways, Tara and I are dating too. Happy now?"

Tara dropped the ice cream cone she was holding. She frantically cleaned it up and started remaking it as she listened to the conversation outside.

"Haha, very funny." Jodi said.

There was an awkward pause.

"Um, Jodi, I think she's serious." Came the voice of Christy.

"I am serious. I wasn't really planning on telling you yet, but you might as well know. Tara and I are dating. Deal with it."

"Oh my god what did she do, did she put a spell on you or something? You know people are always talking about that mother of hers…"

"Don't be ridiculous. She did not put a spell on me. Nobody really believes all that witch crap anyway."

Tara had of course not done any such thing, even though the "witch crap" was more true than Amanda thought. She managed to finish serving the customer, and as there were no more people in line, turned to check on Amanda. Her girlfriend beat her to it, and was walking in the door.

"Oh god, Tar, I told them, I told them about us."

"I uh, yeah, I heard."

"They kinda freaked."

Tara hung her head. "Sorry."

"Hey, don't be. It's their loss, not ours."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fearing that gossip would get around, as it tended to take less time than a tornado around her town, Tara headed home that night and talked her mom into going for a walk. She didn't want her to hear it from anyone but her. They walked for about a mile in mostly silence. Finally, the teen slowed down.

"Mom, I-I have something I need to tell you. I should have told you awhile ago, I don't know why I didn't. I um, I have a girlfriend."

"Amanda?"

Tara nodded.

"Honey, I hope you don't expect me to be shocked, or upset."

"Um, I was hoping not upset."

"Of course not. You know that it's fairly common, among our people, to be attracted to women. Heck there were times I wished I was. You're happy, right?"

Tara nodded.

"Then I'm happy. She seems like a very nice girl."


	4. Senior Year

Somehow, Amanda convinced her friends to keep the gossip in the high school crowd, so her parents, as well as Tara's father, were still in the dark the next month when school started. However, the first day of school was not pleasant for either girl. Tara, not being used to having friends, was really more shocked that people were paying any sort of attention to her. Amanda, to her credit, kept her head held high and even held Tara's hand as they walked down the hall.

By the end of the day, she was tired from all of the staring and just wanted to get home. She hadn't yet made it in the door when she was almost bowled over by her brother.

"Get in the car! Mom's sick!"

The family rode in near silence to the hospital. Tara's mother had collapsed while doing dishes moments earlier, and had had a seizure. Nobody dared mention what was on all their minds. Hours later, their fears were confirmed. The cancer was back, and it was bad.

Somehow, the terminal diagnosis snapped her mother back to her old self. Though heavily medicated, she found the strength to talk to her daughter more than she had in past months, and even to perform some Wiccan rituals together. She also made sure that Tara filled out college applications. Tara knew she didn't want to leave her alone in the house when it was clear that she wasn't going to be around for much longer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A month later, Tara found herself in a small group standing at a gravesite. A few of her mother's Wiccan friends, and an even smaller number of curious onlookers from town, were the only ones who had come to her mother's funeral, except for family. Her father's brother, Uncle Thomas, with his wife Marie, along with Cousin Beth, were there. Tara hated Cousin Beth. They lived almost an hour away, so she didn't have to see her much, but something about her cousin just rubbed her the wrong way. She always picked on Tara too, calling her a demon like all the men in her family did. Part of her knew it was because of the witchcraft, but another part of her had always been afraid that they were right.

Conspicuously missing, in her mind anyway, was Amanda. Her girlfriend had been increasingly distant lately. Tara figured she didn't know how to deal with the cancer. But she'd hoped she would make it to the funeral. She needed her there. She felt so alone.

Yet alone was the way Tara felt for a long time. At school, the once loner who had felt the taste of friendship and companionship was back to going entire days without speaking a word to anyone. If Tara had been unpopular the first three years of high school, being outed certainly didn't win her many more friends, although there were a few younger students whose stares she thought were less hatred or fear, and more admiration and hope in the thought that there were other gay students around. But for the most part, she was avoided, and she avoided everyone as well, preferring to concentrate on her studies and looking forward to starting UC Sunnydale in the fall. But she still missed Amanda. At home, with just Donny and her father, it was actually better when she felt alone, because it meant that they were letting her do as she pleased. When they weren't around, she would try to practice Wicca, but it just wasn't the same without her mother. It was almost too much to bear, losing Amanda and her mother at the same time. She knew she couldn't get her mother back, but she hoped and prayed that Amanda would change her mind and take her back.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Tara!"

It took Tara slightly aback that her name was being called, especially since it was Amanda calling it, and they hadn't talked for a few months, ever since they officially broke up. It was now March, and she was finally able to look at her ex without pains of regret at the end of their relationship.

"H-hi."

"Tara, we're going to start a GSA." Amanda announced proudly. Tara stared blankly at her ex and the boy and girl she was standing with, who were holding stacks of posters with rainbows on them.

"You know, a gay-straight alliance." He said. "I'm Gary, by the way. Amanda thought you might want to help us out."

"Um…w-what exactly does a GSA do?"

"Mostly it's just a place to talk about issues of sexuality. For gay kids, or kids who are questioning, and for our straight allies, like my sister Lucy here."

"Come on, please? You're already out. What's the harm?"

That's how Tara found herself sitting in the chorus room with Amanda, Gary, Lucy, and about 6 other kids. Amanda looked glum at the turnout, but Tara was privately amazed that they had more than the four organizers.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tara took one last look around her room. She wasn't sure if she'd ever be back, so she was bringing everything of importance with her. Her father was still not pleased that she was going off to college and had basically threatened that if she left, she would not be welcome back. What he didn't seem to get was that Tara had no desire to come back.

Amanda was not leaving for UCLA for another week, so she was driving Tara to Sunnydale. Through the GSA, she and Tara had become friends again, a fact which Tara was very grateful for, because she honestly had no idea how else she would have gotten to school. They were just friends, although Tara would have dated her again in a heartbeat, and a few times had restrained herself from kissing the other girl. She hoped that leaving would finally allow her to get over her ex-girlfriend, though part of her was worried that she would never again find love.

Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 !-- /* Style Definitions */ , , {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} 1 {page:Section1;} --

The ride to Sunnydale was quiet. Amanda turned the radio on, but Tara barely heard what was playing. She gazed out the window as they drove out of town, wondering if she'd ever see this place again. She watched the mile markers go by, each one a little farther from home, yet with each one she felt her heart grow lighter. This was the beginning of her new life, and she could just tell that it was going to be different.


	5. The End

Twenty years later, Tara sat in a different car on the same route from her hometown to Sunnydale. She looked over at her wife of nearly fifteen years, and then turned to the children in the backseat.

"I still don't understand why you said thank goodness for unanswered prayers." announced their younger daughter Sophie. Sophie was almost seven and had gotten sort of bored through the long story mostly about people she didn't know.

"Because, silly, she was sad because Amanda broke up with her, but if she hadn't, then she wouldn't have dated Mom and then they wouldn't have gotten married and they wouldn't have had us either, and she likes us and Mom. Right?" Sara, age 11 and much more interested in the romance of it all, told her younger sister, earning a smile from her Mama.

"That's right, honey. It was the first time in twenty years that I had seen Amanda, and although she'll always have a special place in my heart, and I do think it was an important experience for me to go through, I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be."

"With us." Sophie said, understanding. "Anyway, Mom is much prettier than Amanda. She's fat."

Willow and Tara tried not to laugh. "Honey, remember, it's not nice to say things like that. Although of course, I do think that your Mom is beautiful." Tara interlaced her fingers with Willow's slender ones.

"Are you glad we came to your reunion, Mama?" Sara asked.

"Yes, I am. I didn't have many friends here but it was interesting to see how people's lives turned out. And it was nice to see Amanda again and to meet her wife."

"Mom, what about you, are we going to go to your reunion and see how people turned out?" Sophie asked.

Willow smiled. "It's in town in a few weeks, so yes, we are. But we still know most of the people that I care about, like Buffy and Xander and Anya."

"Did you have unanswered prayers like Mama?"

Willow thought back to high school, and Oz, and that fateful day in a blackout when she knew her choice. She squeezed Tara's hand. "I had unanswered prayers too. But when I met your Mama, I knew why they were unanswered. And I've been thankful every day since then."


End file.
